70 Ways to Know if You’re an Ex-Fighter

70 Ways to Know if You’re an Ex-Fighter

By Peter Wood on December 14, 2012

You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you smile when people call you Champ. (Robert Ecksel)

What runs through the mind of an old ex-fighter? The cheering crowds are gone, the rigor of training is a faint memory, and the thrill of competition has vanished.

Now what?

1. You know you’re an ex-fighter if… you’ve ever had a Q-tip shoved up your nose.

2. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you miss the cheering crowds and still harbor a secret desire to make a comeback.

3. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you still hear your trainer’s voice screaming at you in your head.

4. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you find yourself frequently shadowboxing in your bathroom mirror at home.

5. You know you’re an ex-fighter if… you still distinguish your right from your left by remembering what side your opponent’s right hand came from.

6. You know you’re an ex-fighter if… you watch The Champ, Rocky or Million Dollar Baby and tear up.

7. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…when you watch a fight you can spot a converted southpaw in seconds.

8. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…when you forget simple words like door or telephone, or forget where the car is parked, you suspect brain damage.

9. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you know what a broken nose sounds like and will never forget what swollen jaw muscles feel like.

10. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you vow to go back to the boxing gym…as soon as you lose a few more pounds.

11. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you secretly wish that the obnoxious guy standing next to you would try something real stupid so you could, in self-defense, punch his face in.

12. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you sometimes experience random surges of anger.

13. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you fantasize about setting up a rematch with the guy who once beat you.

14.  You know you’re an ex-fighter if…when you’re driving a car, you’re proud of your quick reflexes when you instinctively move your head left or right when debris hits your windshield.

15. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you can’t pass a store window without glancing at your reflection and throwing a few soft punches.

16. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you watch some of today’s fighters and smirk.

17. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you still have a trophy, a belt, photos, or a necklace prominently displayed in your home.

18. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you still have boxing dreams at night. Your dream is one of the following:
a) You’re standing in the dressing room and you’ve forgotten to pack your new boxing trunks.
b) Your trainer didn’t show up—you’re standing all alone in the dressing room.
c) As you step into the ring, you know you haven’t trained properly.
d) You step into the ring and box beautifully. The adoring crowd cheers you.

19. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you smile when people call you Champ.

20. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you are a noisy nose breather.

21. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…family members and friends sometimes tease you by calling you “Canvasback” or “Punchy”, or they squish their noses down with their thumbs and talk funny to you. (You smile good-naturedly, but you don’t like it.)

22. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you continually make boxing analogies, like “I’ll throw my hat into the ring”, “She’s a knockout”, “I went the distance” or “Keep punching!”

23. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you think headgear for amateurs is a big mistake.

24. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you suspect the size of your boxing talent was the size of your inferiority.

25. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you think (and you’ll never admit this) the real reason you became a fighter was because you were fearful…fearful of fighting mentally, or verbally.

26. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you secretly hate boxing. You suspect boxing is just plain stupid, and that it’s a brainless sport created for unhappy people—like yourself. But since you’ve invested so much time in boxing, since boxing has become a pillar of your very existence, you can’t turn your back on it. So you hear yourself defending it by saying sentences like: Boxing is art, or Boxing is a physical chess match or Boxing is a sport to which all other sports aspire.

27. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you wish you could talk as well as you could punch.

28. You know you’re an ex-fighter if… you sometimes think un-athletic people pick verbal fights with you because it makes them feel more athletic.

29. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you’re secretly proud of your broken nose, scarred eye, or missing front tooth (even your broken pinkie knuckle.)

30. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you are proud of the lasting friendships you’ve forged with all races, colors and creeds.

31. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you look into the mirror at your soft paunch and sigh—then do 50 sit-ups.

32. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you look at the pumped-up bodybuilders in the fitness gym, or karate guys jumping around in their white pajamas, and wonder if they could take a shot to the jaw.

33. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…in your wallet you carry a picture or personal identification establishing yourself as a former fighter.

34. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…when you watch a boxing match on TV, you find yourself looking at the old trainers and white-haired corner men as much as the fighters.

35. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…your address book has the names of at least two deceased boxing trainers, or corner men.

36. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you understand the similarity between a fight manager and his stable of fighters, and a pimp and his stable of whores.

37. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…there’s at least one painting in your house hiding the hole in the wall where you punched.

38. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…this morning your wife, or girlfriend, told you for the umpteenth time, Stop shadowboxing in the damn mirror!

39. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…when you see a guy with a long neck you immediately think “Easy KO victim.”

40. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…Ultimate Fighting makes you puke.

41. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you haven’t been in the ring for years but you still think about your upcoming comeback.

42. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you link time periods with fighters. The 1920s is Dempsey; the ‘30s is Primo Carnera; the 1940s is Joe Louis; the 1950s is Marciano, and the ‘60s is Patterson-Liston-Clay.

43. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you link geographical areas with fighters. Panama is Roberto Duran; Nigeria is Dick Tiger; Louisville, Kentucky is Muhammad Ali; Brockton, Massachusetts is Rocky Marciano.

44. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…your old Ring magazines are neatly stored in a cardboard box down in the basement.

45. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you snore.

46. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you vow to visit the Boxing Hall of Fame…as soon as you lose a few more pounds.

47. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you make stupid connections such as: I once punched the nose of someone who punched the nose of someone who punched the nose of some important fighter.

48. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…in certain social circles, when you tell people that you were once a fighter, you notice their awkward expressions, and then you feel your I.Q. plunge 20 points.

49. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…there’s one fight that still bothers you. Through the years you’ve fought this fight over and over again in your mind, but you still lose.

50. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…the newspapers reported the results of your fights in agate print.

51. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you habitually seek out the agate print in newspapers.

52. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you even know what agate print is.

53. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you know someone who pissed blood—perhaps that someone was you.

54. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you look at a telephone pole and think sprints; you see a Q-tip and remember bloody noses; you hear “Night Train” and think Sonny Liston.

55. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…when someone asks you, “How many fights did you have?” you add 1 or 2 wins to your ring record. (You feel guilty doing this, but you still do it. Every time.)

56. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you recognize the smell of witch-hazel.

57. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you have ever heard of Monsole’s solution.

58. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you know how to throw a bolo punch.

59. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you know what a “shoe-shine” is.

60. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you can still hear Johnny Addie’s voice in the arena.

61. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you think boxing gloves with Velcro is a beautiful invention.

62. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you think a water-filled heavybag is another beautiful invention.

63. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…it upsets you walking by a newsstand knowing they don’t carry Ring magazine anymore.

64. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you secretly visualize yourself stepping back into the ring.  You even fanaticize about the perfect entrance song that will accompany you as you step through the ropes…but you have absolutely no desire to hit anyone anymore.

65. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you frequently want to give your boss a knuckle sandwich.

66. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…the way a fighter throws a left hook is a very important issue to you. Does he throw it with his palm facing toward him; or with his palm facing down?  (The correct answer:  Facing him.)

67. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you smile when you hear effete political analysts use boxing analogies: “Put up your dukes!” “No hitting below the belt!” “Come out swinging at the bell!” “He took it on the chin!” “He’s down for the count!” “They threw in the towel.” “He’s the real McCoy!” “I’ll be in your corner.” 

68. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…when you watch a fight on TV, you still bob and weave.

69. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…when you watch KO highlights on TV, instead of applauding, you wince.

70. You know you’re an ex-fighter if…you have ever held a little baby in your arms and when that little baby popped you on the nose, your eyes welled up with tears and you were reminded once more: “Hey, that hurts!”

Courtesy: boxing.com